just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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