honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The best revenge is premature balding
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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