This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
