I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
