I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
