I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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