We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
