I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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