Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
