if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
