Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize