Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
