She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
false alarm, still single
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
