I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
