The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
