i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
