If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
