i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
