you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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