we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
