I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
