O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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