I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Randomize
