Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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