Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
