This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
whose ass print is on the piano?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
