im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
