you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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