He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
