I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
