Dual....:-)
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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