You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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