so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
where does the pee come out of this thing
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
