My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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