She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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