Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
