he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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