My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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