Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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