Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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