I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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