I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize