I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
