Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
