i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
