we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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