The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
