Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
