What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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