Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
