My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
