My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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