Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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