Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
