At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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